And Eager to Please

Somebody's made a game simulating how much it sucks to work at Kinko's. I played for about five minutes before Her Worshipfulness made me stop because I was screaming at the customers when they walked out of the store just as I found their damn jobs.

Liberry

I think I forgot how to read.

I used to be able to do it. I'd do it all the time. Heck, I majored in it. I now find it easier to envision myself making it into the 2006 Winter Olympics that finishing a book by the time they start. I just can't seem to focus on it the way I used to.

I think the issue is that I try to read either A) snottily intellectual books or B) books I've already read. How am I supposed to stay interested in that? So, I turn to you, gentle reader: any good books I should pick up?

A Geek Too Far

In the last post, B A Start unwittingly stumbled upon the question which defines our generation. The latest development, though, is so geeky it could only be contained within the annals of Webshite. If you're into it, go check it out. Thanks to Koontz for bringing the debate out of the nineties and into the oughts.

Shhhing!

In the comments on my last post, fellow Merrimackian John Koontz brings up a debate that has raged since 'a night with the guys' meant Hires root beer, Cool Ranch Doritos (before they were 'cooler ranch'), persisent NES play, and the ritualistic abuse of younger brothers: just what is the announcer saying in Blades of Steel? 'With the pass?' 'Press the pass?' 'It's a pass'?

A trip over to Gamefaqs didn't answer the question. A quick googling wasn't enough to get the job done either. Wikipedia says it's 'hits the pass', but not definitively enough for me to buy it. Anybody? Anybody want the crown of "King Videogame Hockey Geek"?

Bode!

They're saying 2005 was the warmest year in a century. Naturally, this is the winter I decide to quit stalling and let my triumphant return to the slopes take place. Despite the fairly snow-less conditions, I still had a frickin' blast skiing this weekend.

My fellow schussmeisters asked me what it was like skiing in New Hampshire. "Just like this but longer" was my reply. I mean, an inclined plane is an inclined plane. The big difference this time was that a run only took three minutes, and that's with the deep-frequency sine function that is my pattern.

Also, Mike Garvey can fucking ski.

A drink and smoke

The latest meme.

"Here’s the next meme for everyone, as long as you get it before someone else with your name does. Type in your first name and the word “needs” into Google. Post the first 10 results, plus a few other interesting ones."

Alex needs feedback.
Alex needs a history lesson
Alex needs confirmation
All Alex needs is time and weed to play-test through levels 10 though 15.
Alex needs to do something--and quickly.
Do you know what Alex needs? What Alex needs is a new job.
Alex needs to stop obsessing over this guy, its like he wants to date him.
alex needs to go to sleep on his own
Alex needs to come back, because the show sucks without her.
Sir Alex needs to stop messing about and stick with the 4-4-2.
Clearly, Alex needs romantic relief.
Alex needs a room for some big games.
ALEX NEEDS MORE THAN FISHING TACKLE TO CATCH THE BIG ONES

In Soviet Buffalo, People Lead YOU!

I spent two out of the last three days at a leadership training thing. You know, get- your- team- across- to- the- other- platform- using- a- plank- and- two- pipe- cleaners stuff. As you can imagine, the Chief/Indian ratio was highly skewed, which made for some memorable conversations.

The entire event was glutted with Communist overtones. The activities, even the competitive ones, were carefully orchestrated to ensure that resolution could only be attained if everyone worked together. Of course, all had to be involved equally in every activity and assigned some task that they had the stated or perceived skill to handle.

The final event, in short, was a tower build-off. Having cracked the system, the two teams joined into one to build a single super-big tower, despite my assertions that the assigned task stated two were necessary. I contributed my ideas on how to organize etc, but having had enough of competition, conflict, and petri-dish platitudes to hold me for quite some time, I slunk into the background, happy to quietly fulfill my role as Tall- Guy- with- Small- Girl- on- Shoulders. As the tower was erected, another guy about my height and I hoisted the appointed women, each holding their half of the joint structure. There was cheering. Pictures were taken.

During the debriefing, as discussion was led towards concepts of how this activity was supposed to be representative of the efforts of the community leaders towards a better city and region, I couldn't help but push aside the hammers and sickles dancing in my head and note that the group was only successful when the big people held the small ones on their shoulders, supporting the entire structure.

I must agree

Dude. Somebody got to my blog by googling "werewolves suck".

The Wayback Machine

The Noid. The old Dominos Pizza ad campaign. I need some help here.

Wasn't the genesis of the little red-suited dude a pun? "If your pizza is cold, you get a Noid (annoyed)"? Am I alone in remembering this? I checked Retrojunk's commerical archive, and all of the Noid-related entries refer to the Noid in the singular, not as a species of Italian-food gremlins that attack all pizzas but those delivered in the red and blue boxes.

Be Prepared

A few friends of mine have picked up these Scottevest jackets with lots of pockets. As I prefer to keep things simple, I never really saw myself going for one. After my wild evening of hot, wanton geekness, though, they're looking better and better. I share with you now, gentle reader, the contents of this nights pockets:

Wallet - Even though 'anime night' at the Albright Knox was supposed to be free, a gentleman never travels without folding money.

Keys - I left the USB drive at home. You know, because only geeks carry those things.

Handkerchief - Oh, shut up. They come in handy more often than you think.

Cellphone - (Well, Tracfone anyway.) Lil' Davey has been known to get confused, so best to keep communication lines open.

Pager - see above

Cigarettes and lighter - Tromping around the perimeter of the museum looking for an open entrance would have been an excellent time to light up. I opted against it, for once.

Digital camera - Just in case something picture-worthy happened. Like Jess and Lil' Davey singing a duet of the theme from Record of Lodoss War at Cosplay Karaoke in Clifton Hall. Alas, it went unused.

Chapstick - Yapping about Japanese import websites will dry those lips, I tell you.

Nintendo DS - Why waste a beautiful night inside playing videogames when you can be sitting on the patio at SPoT Coffee playing videogames? (By the way, Lil' Davey is very, very good at Mario Kart. I retract all smack-talk.)

Now, if I had one of those Scottevests, I would have been able to carry the copy of The Last Unicorn which changed hands this evening in one of the larger pockets. Another would have held the Wes Craven almost-straight-to-DVD movie we rented. And I don't even have an MP3 player.

Control freak

Having 3 systems hooked up to the TV at any given time (and two others at the ready) makes for one big ugly pile of controllers* in the converted entertainment center that holds the lot. When arranged neatly, the appearance is somewhere between sleeping scarabs and a tightly-packed hangar of alien spaceships -- either metaphor lending the image of small, highly active things caught in a moment of rest. I'd like to free that space for yet another system, but what to do with the birds nest?

The best I can come up with as of yet is some kind of trundle-board which would stay under the couch. Pull out the drawer and choose your weapon. Ideally it would have the gray egg-foam stuff spies and assassins line their briefcases with.

*4 N64, 2 Atari, 4 PS2, 3 Xbox. Pristine Atari paddles and horribly scarred NES controllers in the basement, waiting to be recalled into active duty. I gave my lightgun away, idiot that I am.

Zoom zoom

Received a welcome surprise yesterday upon watching the recent sci-fi release The Island. Not only is the movie good (the car chase was exciting enough to make me, sitting at home with the lights on viewing the film on my 21" TV, gasp several times) but it features the Cadillac Cien, a concept car I just happen to have in my garage.

Picking the cars for sci-fi movies must be a blast. Sure, the hero is going to have to drive a slicked-down version of the latest sports car from whatever automaker pays the most, but what about all the other ones? Do you use current models with small changes? Do you design all new vehicles based on a few design concepts? Can they fly? Hover?

Flavor Country

I don't want to worry anybody, but apparently Phillips Morris and I are on close enough terms that I merit a birthday present.

101

I read The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe as a kid, completely oblivious to the Christian overtones. Years later, someone made casual mention of it and the whole series reset itself in my mind as "Lord of the Rings for kids and with Jesus". It was not until seeing the movie that I really took in the more complex themes relating to war and dictatorship.

It's pretty clear that the cinematic version wanted to highlight the warfare aspect as much as possible. The first two scenes, depicting zee Churmens bombing suburban London and kids being shipped out to the country with labels on their chests to identify them to the strangers who will act as their new stewards, extrapolate the time-and-place setting which was identified in the book in a single sentence, seeming in the text more of an inconvenience than actual danger. Was this the kind of anti-war statement that seems to be popping up more often in recent movies (Episode III, War of the Worlds), or was it just added for effect? Couldn't tell ya.

Anyway, the final battle between the big WETA-garbed forces of Narnia was kicked off by griffins dropping rocks on the bad-guy army, the imagery directly parallelling the shots of the German bombers at the beginning of the movie. The Nazis and the forces of Aslan compared? Not as black-and-white as you would expect from a kid's movie.

The Thomas character is disturbing for more than one reason. Firstly, here's this bare-chested demi-god whose kind is known for promiscuity and deviance making friends with a six-year-old. Creeptastic. More interesting, though, is his decision to free Lucy and the repercussions of that choice. His sense of rightness and his fear of the Secret Police battle within him, and when he picks the former, he pays the price.

Thomas's story reads like something out of Nepal or Iraq, and it isn't the only instance in the movie which reminded me of modern stories of life under a fascist dictator or oppressive occupying force. The fox (who died despite Edmund's efforts to placate the Witch), the beavers (who escape the Secret Police via a tunnel dug from their home, only to find their safehouse captured), and the White Witch's treatment of Edmund (promising him power and delight until his usefulness wore out) might as well have been plucked directly from the pages of a 1930-to-today history text. The moral here is that when a powerful and cruel government is in place, your actions, right or wrong, have absolutely no influence on your life or the lives of those you care for. Apparently all you can do is wait for Jesus to come back.

While I enjoyed the movie, I found these themes depressing and unresolved. I'd be curious to go back and read the book to see just how much of this was inlaid over the text and how much is from the source. If I do, I'll keep you posted. After all, I know you're just dying to read another freshman English essay here on B A Start.

Kills for the Cure?

I got the go-ahead for the employee videogame tourney. I need some help coming up with a name for the event. Best I've come up with so far is "Extra Life". Anybody?

Wrenches and top hats

Want to see the difference between liberals and conservatives? I have been eating lunch with Slazak for years now. Someone joined us yesterday, and when asked by a passer-by why we were breaking years of tradition by allowing a third at our table, Matt replied "we're taking in orphans" and I said "we're recruiting".

To All

Frag for Cancer

I think I may have convinced my workplace to hold an employee Halo 2 tournament as a fundraiser today. As you may remember, I've been trying to get a game going on one of the big-big screens for a while now. Only recently has the concept of making a real event out of it come about. With any luck, Microsoft or Bungie will hook us up with some prizes. It doesn't matter either way, though -- the title of King Geek should be enough motivation to get attendance. Further updates as events warrant.

The Most Wonderful Time

There's a turkey on my kitchen floor. It will be there all week.

Tomorrow I'm giving chocolates to the woman I drew in Secret Santa. When asked for gift ideas, she suggested world peace exclamation point.

If pushed, I would describe the general tenor of all recent phone conversations as 'strained' at best.

It is definitely too late for me to get gifts to my brothers in time for Sunday, even if I was sure of their current addresses. Every day this week I will check the mail with apprehension, hoping that neither of them got me anything. I'm fairly certain I can count on them for this.

I wish I could put my finger on how to spread tidings of comfort / joy to my coworkers without looking like either a conserva-fascist who refuses to bend with the times or a media-brainwashed wuss who's too afraid to call the day off what it really is.

Despite itself, I do genuinely enjoy Christmas.

Screw you hippie!

Almost got run over by some jerk leaving the Lexington Co-op parking lot. And they say weed doesn't make you stupid.

Let's Get Together

I went to a seminar today in which, among other things, the trainer stated that Generation-X'ers don't like to work in groups because we're all latch-key children who came home to empty houses and played Nintendo. As the only representative of the under-40 crowd in attendance, I decided to hold my tongue. My thoughts on the root causes of the apathy and indolence of Gen-X aside, I have to confess that I was baffled by the Nintendo being cited as an anti-socializer. I don't remember ever playing videogames by myself as a kid. I remember my brothers watching me crawl my way through Final Fantasy, my father spending entire weekends burning every tree and bombing every rock in The Legend of Zelda as we logged his progress, my friends and I mastering the intricacies of Pro Wrestling and RC Pro Am. For my sixteenth birthday my parents bought me a 12-inch TV for my bedroom, so my brothers just watched my run through Lifeforce there instead.

Lies! Lies I say!

Elmer Season!

There are men in the hills here, men with guns. Along the highways, pickup trucks bedecked with yellow-ribbon magnets have been left like rusty snake-skins as their owners prowl the snowy forests for the unlucky bucks who will secure their places at the Men's Table at all social events until next year. I'm hoping the dim, orange light of a cigarette in no way resembles moonlight in a deer's eye.

The King is Dead

The blogs giveth and the blogs taketh away. With the temporary sabbatical (is that an oxymoron?) of Royal Toybox, the web world has offered up Dad May Have Been Right. Get over there, you content-hungry freak.

Brilliant!

I was sick a couple days ago. As the day wore on, the question of whether I was feeling well enough to go to the bar came up. Fully aware that Her Worship's sanity's edges were starting to fray a bit from seeing no one for five days other that Yours Truly and a reportedly handsome plumber, I felt the risk/benefit analysis tipping toward a night out. Still I waffled, knowing that I should stay home and watch bad TV under a blanket. Eventually, a very old marketing campaign found its way to the front of my consciousness: Guinness is good for you!

Several hours and two pints of the black stuff later, I was right as the mail. Obviously, the only conclusion possible is that the adage, first revealed to me in 1986 on a postcard sent to my grandmother which now hangs on my refrigerator, is indeed true.

Follow-up

If the last post wasn't cloudy enough, check this out.

Except flight

Download this and play it. Especially if you don't play videogames with any regularity. So... chill...

Who are you?

It took me a while, but as promised I am back on the topic of identity and anonymity in the modern digital world.

Made-up factoid: the average American visits a new website and creates a new log-on and password for himself once every four days. I have lost count of the number of websites which have asked me the apparently innocuous question of what I want my log-on name to be. It's maddening, the constant requirement to define myself. What do you choose? The name your parents gave you? An old nickname? A reference to something you're all geek about? What you want to be? What you want others to think you are? As if defining oneself in the anarchistic vacuum we know as modern life wasn't difficult enough.

And Hell's coming with me

Here's a follow-up to the recent business about intelligent design. Since I do truly believe that the rounding-up and 're-education' of non-Jesus-freaks is becoming more and more likely, I feel like I should skip town. My fanaticism for the US, on the other hand, dictates that I should move to the bible belt and start a life of vigilante rationality. Which will I choose?

I think I may stage a Constantinian mass conversion. I'll go Protestant, get elected President, go to war, and then receive a vision from the spirit of Newton which will tell me that I will win the battle through the mighty influence of the mysterious and sacred powers of physics.

And now it's ok.

Geek pride continuously surprises me. How did we get to this point, the point at which reveling in one's social ineptitude has become a viable social action? This product in particular I find amazing. Hilarious, but amazing.

A direct relationship can be drawn between the broad acceptance of the Geek Nation and the realization of Uncle Bill's dream of a personal computer in every home. All of a sudden these kids have a purpose in their families. Computer acting up? Call Mikey. Thus a place in modern society, and thus respect and endorsement.

I want to know what the hell geeks did before computers went mainstream. I know they read Dune. Ham radio? Model railroads? What did groups of geeks do before the Playstation? Chess club?

It's a flip-off!

Don't miss the hot flipbook action over at outgrabes. I recommend John Williams with mine.

Terminus

Now that was one crappy week.

Here are my New Week's Resolutions:

• Actually take Wednesday and Friday off, as scheduled.
• Get fairly drunk at some point, preferably not in front of family. But only preferably.
• Buy some Christmas presents. 'Tis the season to take one look at the mall's parking situation and gain true understanding of the value of the internet.
  
• Don't ruin Thanksgiving for everyone.
  

Thank you Slashfilm.

What are you doing here? Go watch one of these.

Spitcurl

Looks like Jess has done it again. Get over there and check out the latest debate. Oh, and Hoffmann? I laughed out loud. Twice.

Justin Bailey

When Metroid came out, my father complained that Nintendo had missed a great opportunity for making games educational. He suggested that instead of the apparently random mish-mash of numbers and letters that made up the passwords for the game, they could have set it up so every digit in a long-division problem would need to be entered.

Fast-forward fifteen years, and the Nintendo DS has a brain training "game". As near as I can tell, it's a set of daily exercises that are meant to make sure you use all parts of the gray matter. The story on IGN does a pretty good job of explaining it.

And here's the weird thing: it looks kinda fun.

Xbox360: Hands-on Review

A fraction of second after grabbing the controller, some dude appeared out of nowhere to tell me that he had seen it at CompUSA, and that it was awesome. He didn't leave. A few seconds later, a ten-year-old sidled up, grinning sweetly. I got the distinct feeling that this was a angel-on-one-shoulder-devil-on-the-other situation, but in the place of miniature versions of myself dressed in white and red were two different facets of my gamer id, one a black-wearing, soul-patch-sporting, turbo-geek with no social skills, the other a bespectacled child too shy to speak. I left abruptly.

Forward thinking

Go check out today's outgrabes post, and the many responses -- the people have spoken. The good news is, the Northeast remains sane.

Lasers Temple

Seventeen seconds? Seriously?

I know a substantial number of B A Starters have spent altogether too many hours trying to ulock all the cheats in Goldeneye. Dizzying runs done over and over ruined many a sunny summer afternoon for us all, but these guys? Holy shmoley.

Come on down

Has anyone else noticed that the font used in the much-maligned Grand Theft Auto series is the same as the one used for The Price Is Right?

Looks uncomfortable

I'm all for unusual controllers. This, though, seems a bit much. Not that I can't think of at least one person for whom this would be a great gift.

Betcha can't have just one

Apparently I was in two places at once it work today. This is bothersome on many levels, especially since it was not my doing. Certain Catholic saints were purported to be able to do this, but I would assume they knew about it. I, on the other hand, appear to have a doppelganger. Is the other one evil? Or am I the evil one? I'm very curious to see what will happen when we meet. The worst possible scenario is that the other me is the real one. Further updates as events warrant.

Until they're squeaky clean

So, I've been trying to get the projector-and-laptop guy at work to set up an Xbox night in the auditorium. He keeps telling me to put in an AV request. What am I, some kind of chump? I need to put in a request to use company property for personal entertainment? I go right to the source and I get sent back to the Red-tape Highway? So, I guess I've been put in my place. Once I do finally convince him to take some initiative and make it happen, I'll be sure to remind him who's boss as I repeatedly mop the floors of alien ships with his carcass.

Get a job

Took a day off and took the kids out shopping today. The 9-to-5 cityscape weirds me out every time. Everyone on the street has the look of a person who doesn't spend enough time in conversation with other functioning members of society. I do not belong among the daytime denizens of this mirror-city, and they know it. Each time I venture out into their territory -- lands which are the demesne of me and mine at night -- I fear they will suddenly and without warning take arms against me, sparing a few moments to beat me to death with their hands, and then return to their odd, highly-regimented daily routines with the same speed and non-chalance as my blood seeps into the sun-lit asphault.

Not possible.

This drives me crazy. How? How?!? HOW?!?! HOW, GOD DAMN IT, HAAAAAAAAAAAA-OHHH-OOOOO?

No help

Apparently there comes a point in one's career past which people care about what you do outside of work. Associations, volunteer organizations, and whatnot. Not really my bag, which may become a problem fairly quickly. Here's an example of why I am not destined for any board rooms:

The setting -- my porch. A co-worker walks by as some friends and I carouse.

Professional young woman: I have a JLA meeting tomorrow.
Alex: You're in the Justice League of America?!?
PYW: That's what my husband said. It's the Junior League, a women's community organization.
Alex: Huh. Is there a Senior League? Is it all men?
PYW: I'm going to go home and go to bed. Work tomorrow.
Alex: I'm going to continue drinking on my porch. Work tomorrow.

nine years

Her Worshipfulness's cousin has invaded, and the occupation forces are strong. I called for reinforcements last night, under the auspices of wanting to give her a choice of men to glean attention from. I have fears for today's plans, and here's why:

HW: So, we can drop you off any time you want.
Cousin: Oh, don't worry. I'm in no rush.

No...

Holy shit! Snow Crash is on Time's 100 best novels of all time!

I read this book after my roommate's copy of Entertainment Weekly (which he never subscribed to, nor paid for, but presumably still receives to this day) said Cryptonomicon was going to be good. T'wasn't out yet, so I picked up Snow Crash. 100% awesome. I'd lend you my copy, but some other member of the Geek Nation has it. I think.

I'm so excited, I'm adding a new button.

fingers crossed

I think this confirmation is the final one. My favorite part -- "a younger character with no gadgets". Here's hoping they can dispense with the camp and make 007 worth watching again.

Never happen

Another excellent wedding this weekend.

At the aforementioned wedding, I asked a friend and his girlfriend how their recently purchased Playstation 2 has been working out. I was perfunctorily told that they have been playing Tiger Woods, and then heard a sentence I had never thought I would:

Ashley: "Chris made me a player."

Someone had finally done it. Someone had broken down decades of resistance and convinced his girl to play videogames.

Alex: "Really? That's great! I can't believe it!"
Ashley: "I've got a skort."

Hmm... so, she plays videogames in a skort? (I'm inferring from the horizontal slashing motion she made mid-thigh and the spork-like term that this word is meant to describe an article of clothing that's somehow both a skirt and pair of shorts. Feel free to write in if I'm wrong). Do gamer girls wear skorts? Did these two go to Hot Topic and say "give me everything that geek chicks wear"? Had they taken it that far? In mind appeared a vision of Ashley in a plaid skirt (I still can't figure out what a skort would look like. Something like one hand clapping, I think), black boots, and an anime T-shirt sitting in Chris's living-room mashing buttons.

Alex: "Did he buy you a pink tanktop that says "gamer" or something?
Ashley (befuddled look): "In the game. In Tiger Woods. My player wears a skort."
Alex: "Uh... heh-heh. Who needs a drink?"

Testy

I love me some language. I don't think any B A Starters will be surprised to hear that I got several 'Very strongly biased toward the Northeast United States' responses on this test.

Whew!

The Resistance Achtung! You are 30% brainwashworthy, 22% antitolerant, and 80% blindly patriotic

Welcome to the Resistance (Der Widerstand)! You believe in freedom, justice, equality, and your country, and you can't be converted to the the dark side. Breakdown: your Blind Patriotism levels are borderline unhealthy, but you show such a love of people from everywhere and a natural resistance to brainwashing, you would probably focus your energy to fight the Fuehrer with furor, so to speak. Conclusion: born and raised in Germany in the early 1930's, you would have taken up ARMS against the oppressors. Or even your friends' oppressors. Congratulations! Less than 5% of all test takers earn a spot in the Resistance! The Would You Have Been A Nazi? Test - it rules -

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 33% on brainwashworthy You scored higher than 25% on antitolerant You scored higher than 94% on patriotic

Link: The Would You Have Been a Nazi Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Not safe

The funny thing is, they found this dog...

So, they found the real Ithaca. I didn't know the current Ithaca wasn't the real Ithaca. I guess that adds another stop to the Geek Tour of the Mediterranean.

PSA

Don't forget: Fall is the season of pumpkin ice-cream. Schedule some consumption before you forget and miss it again.

Why is he dressed like Castro?

A very uncomfortable-sounding web guy was just on 102.1 talking about the new B-Stream section on edge.ca. Once I realized he wasn't saying "pee stream", things became clearer. Looks like they've got some streaming music going on, and that users, edge staff, and a few celebrities have the ability to submit playlists. It's acting like a streaming radio station right now, with no option to skip or select, but I recommend a look. I'd like to at least be able to select which playlist I want -- for example, I want to listen to what k-os posted -- but all in all it's worth keeping an eye on. After all, The Edge is awesome. Not as awesome as The Edge, but then what is?

The Hardest

As you can see, I've gone a little button crazy. Something about 'em I just like. They're a webgeek version of the bars military personnel wear. Want your own? Go here:

Rock out

In an effort to avoid having an ice cavern for an apartment this year, we did some work today with the desperately needed assistance of the in-laws. In short, we prepped the windows against one Johnathan Frost. Endless caulk jokes. Endless caulk jokes... with my father-in-law. Somehow I survived, but probably only since he knew that if he brained me with mallet he would end up having to rehang the curtains.

Hello, Oogie.

Ran into one of the IT guys today, the guardian of the Secret Elephant Graveyard, the one who looks like Kamajii but with fewer arms and talks like an ent. He was standing in the men's room, staring into the mirror and rubbing his beard. I impart to you, gentle reader, this summarized transcript of the conversation which started there and continued into the hallway.

Alex: Given up on pulling out your hair and moved on to the beard?

Kamajii: Nah, just plucking the bugs out.

A: Fun.

K: Sometimes I think I should just give up. Just pick 'em off the ground and stick 'em in my beard. Save 'em the trouble.

A: Totally, dude. You should embrace it. You should teach them to do stuff. Like the flea circus in old cartoons.

K: Make them do my bidding. Get into small places.

A: Freak people out.

K: But then the Orkin man would come after me.

A: You could walk into the Pentagon and say "check this shit out". Apply your powers for the common good. Wear a cloak and stuff.

K: They'd strap me down and do all kinds of experiments on me.

A: If they try it, sic the bugs on 'em.

Over 9000

Just how much is a proud man willing to debase himself in order to win an Xbox 360 from Mountain Dew?

• Start occasionally buying Pepsi at work, even though it sucks? Yes.
• Plan on replacing the normal household purchase of Coke with Pepsi from 10/2/05 through 10/22/05 (or while supplies last), in order to receive the specially marked sticker worth three codes? Yes.
• Convince coworkers to give him their bottlecaps? Yes.
• Ask the Housekeeping folks to glean the caps from the discarded Pepsi products of the workplace? No.
• Take a bottlecap off of an empty bottle left on top of a trash can in the cafeteria? Yes.
• Take a bottlecap off of the ground on Elmwood? No.
• Spot an empty bottle, insist that the car be stopped, jump out and grab the cap? No.

I'm not proud of it, but I'm not hiding anything either.

8 @ 57@r7

A coworker of mine got a new phone extension --1337. As we all know, this totally pwns.

For those of you not disgustingly geek-assed enough to know what I'm talking about, this is leetspeak (or "13375p34k"), the odd twisting of the English language used by online gamers. I recommend the wikipedia entry on the topic for a good summary of the major points. Anytime you see numbers used instead of letters in the middle of a word, the suffix "-xors" added to a word for no reason, and other such nonsense, back slowly away until you can feel functioning society around you again.

From a linguistic standpoint, leetspeak fascinates me, particularly its prevalence and standardization. How can so many people use the same made-up rules in the same way? I understand why a secretive "language" or code system would be used by girl-phobic basement-dwellers as they bop around pretending to be elves. It's a step above jargon, intentionally meant to conceal and confuse, that only the insiders can interpret or often even recognize. This is geek perfection.

That being said, do not ever use leet in conversation with me. I will smack you, y0u 0v3rc4ff3'n473d w4ck0.

Grrr...

I do my best to avoid acting in anger. Maybe it's because I'm from puritanical New England, maybe it's because I watched too much Star Wars as a kid, I don't know. I'm certainly not always successful, but that's what I try to adhere to.

My question is this: is anger useful? Can anger be used to strengthen good actions? It's certainly a good way to get a boost of energy, but is it more destructive in the end? Unfettered, anger will make one lose focus and make mistakes. Can it be fettered? Can a controlled anger yield positive results?

Flippy

Not entirely sure why you would buy Zoo Keeper for the NDS, when you can play it for free all over the net, and have been able to for years. And anyway, I thought the DS was only for Nintendogs.

That's a bad outfit!

The new Superman movie is going to be bad. I need to keep reminding myself of this. The first one is bad, and that has Christopher Frackin' Reeve.

The thing is, I've been so Pavlovved by the theme music that they could play a test pattern and I'd love it. There's a fake teaser trailer out there, and I barely made it through that in one piece -- I can't imagine what a mess I'm going to be at the end of the full feature-length film.

The problem is as follows. For reasons unbeknownst to me, Superman holds great power over me. There are only two things that can elicit a strong positive emotional response from me: the American national anthem and Superman. Apparently I have a serious feelings about the strongest thing on Earth using its powers for good.

Even I

I have a blog. That means I have to write about Katrina, right?

I have a request. Please stop using this horrific tragedy as an example of your political agenda. Stop snorting and saying "typical". Whether you're a member of the Bush Defamation League, you don't like people whose skin has more or less brown than yours, you're anti-gun, or whatever the hell you're trying to prove, I'm tired of it. People are dying and other people are trying to help them. That's it.


Here are some selections from CNN.com's timeline of the events.

August 26th

• 4 p.m.: Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour and Louisiana Gov. Kathleen Blanco declare states of emergency.


August 27th

• During the day, residents of Louisiana's low-lying areas are told they must evacuate; residents in other low-lying areas are urgently advised to do so. President Bush declares a state of emergency in Louisiana.


August 28th

• 10 a.m.: As Katrina hits 175 mph winds, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin orders mandatory evacuations as the storm seems to beat a direct path to the city.


August 29th

Katrina hits.


August 30th

• The U.S. military starts to move ships and helicopters to the region at the request of the Federal Emergency Management Agency.


August 31

• President Bush flies over the Gulf Coast in Air Force One to survey the damage. He later announces a major federal mobilization to help the victims.


September 1

• Violence disrupts relief efforts as authorities rescue trapped residents and try to evacuate thousands of others living among corpses and human waste. Those stranded express growing frustration with the disorder evident on the streets, raising questions about the coordination and timeliness of relief efforts.

• Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff announces that 4,200 National Guard troops trained as military police will be deployed to New Orleans over the next three days. Louisiana Gov. Kathleen Blanco requests the mobilization of 40,000 National Guard troops.


September 2

• President Bush visits Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana, and later signs a $10.5 billion disaster relief bill.

• Members of the Congressional Black Caucus criticize the pace of relief efforts, saying response was slow because those most affected are poor.


September 3rd

• The Army Corps of Engineers brings in pumps and generators from around the nation to help get New Orleans pumps back on line and bail out the city.


Now, I don't really have anything to compare the timeliness of the federal response to. Maybe the people who are making claims that the goverment should have responded more quickly know more about these things than I do, but I'm not sure I buy that it could have been faster.

Yes, people have guns. Yes, people who are very hungry and very upset have guns. And yes, there have been incidents of some people shooting at the people who are trying to help. This is very, very messed up. This does not mean that we should abandon anyone, or that anything even remotely resembling a majority of victims do not deserve help. We should not succumb to the temptation to group the victims together based on the actions of a few crazed jerks.

And that's all I've got.

Dollface

Japanese people are weird. If you don't believe me, go check this out. Jesus.

Not pictured

I just received some pictures from my Mom. One of them is of one of my brothers, this one being The Dark Lord of Darkness. How dark is he, you ask? In the picture, he is wearing a T-shirt which reads "I'm only wearing black until they make something darker".

The picture is of him opening his birthday present, a green striped polo shirt. Come on, Mom.

So now I know.

The Rhapsodic Oracle had told me the following:


What do you think of me, Rhapsody?
Stereotypes, Blur. Fuck you, Rhapsody.

Will I have a happy life?
California, Gomez. That's more of a place than an answer.

What do my friends think of me?
[Untitled], Oasis. Is that the equivalent of "[expletive deleted]"?

Do people secretly lust after me?
Seven Nation Army, White Stripes. That's a lot of people.

How can I make myself happy?
See America Right, Mountain Goats. So I should get blitzed and travel. Gotcha.

What should I do with my life?
The Scientist, Coldplay. A bit late to be telling me this, Rhapsody. Seriously.

Why must life be so full of pain?
Devils Haircut, Beck. Sorry, Vito. Looks like I have to move on.

How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
Susanne, Weezer. Ladies? You know my number.

Can you give me some advice?
Guns Blazing, U.N.K.L.E. Um... that's a little frightening.

What do you think happiness is?
The Second One, Remy Shand. I do find that after two drinks, life improves.

I may tell you to run

Today, I send you on your way to other parts of the nets.

Here's a story on the Playstation symbols, and what their common meanings are in Japan. Found on digg.

In unrelated news, Peter now has a blog. Enjoy.

And, just in case you were wondering what to do with your mouth tonight, Ginger Altoids are frackin' awesome.

Move and the bloomin' onion gets it.

Outback Steakhouse: No rules, just right.

103.3 The Edge: Break all the rules, there are no rules, rules are for wusses.

At what point did anarchy become a marketing tool? A healthy disrespect for authority is a major part of the American persona, sure, but no rules? The war of all against all? Does that really convince anyone to buy things? All I could envision as I ate dinner were fisticuffs and screaming matches lit by wallaby-shaped neon.

Now you know.

Word of the day: perquisite.

The Dictionary.com def: A payment or profit received in addition to a regular wage or salary, especially a benefit expected as one's due.

I had no idea "perks" was short for something. Awesome.

Big Paper

What happens when a videogame fanatic marries an illustrator? Arguments about concept art.

My argument: The person on the left is a girl.
Hers: Nuh-uh.
Mine: Yes-huh.

After a little reading, it would appear that the "nuh-uh" line of reasoning is the correct one. But cut me some slack here -- look at those eyelashes. I'm holding out for the game to see if 'he' ends up being a girl in disguise.

We're all like this.

As the life-consuming MMORPG's and my efforts to resist them have been on my mind recently (heck, I've only posted once since first talking about it), that's what you're getting today. It's like they're frickin' following me around, waiting to pounce. Here's an excerpt from a recent email from one of my brothers:

"I picked Final Fantasy XI back up again. I dropped it about 7 months ago. Now with a lot of the nwer update the game is great and it helps that I'm not making some of the mistakes I made before. Like bad gil spending and not sticking with a class."

It's always good to hear your brother is learning from his digital mistakes. Wouldn't want him besmirching the family name in the online world. Also, why play a game that's so similar to real life? Spending money poorly and changing careers frequently have repercussions? Doesn't sound like much of a fantasy to me.

Shine on your brother

There are some peaceniks on Gates Circle. They've got some signage, little candles, and a guitar. Several incarnations of "the news" is there.

Assuming that this is an anti-war demonstration, I say the following: Come on now people. Go ahead and express yourself if it makes you feel better, but if you really want to make a change, go through the legitimate channels. Tell your congressman you're not going to vote for him again if your demands are not met. Get a bunch of people to say that. Then your congressman will go to work and your voice will be heard. It may not be perfect, but it's the best we've come up with so far.

Close one

I played a dangerous game yesterday. I discussed Worlds of Warcraft with a friend. Several of my friends and relatives have fallen prey to the Massively Multiplayer Online Role-playing genre, spending hours of their time running around in fake worlds with other enthusiasts. My understanding of the gameplay went as follows:

#1 - It's just like a regular videogame, but there all kinds of annoying real-world people running around bugging you.

#2 - You start off and people pick on you because you are new. Then you spend all kinds of time doing boring shit because you need to level up. Once you're at a respectable level, the newcomers ask you for stuff all the time.

#3 - Any time you do too well, the company that maintains the game sends somebody in to slap you around.

#4 - It's expensive, time-consuming, and unforgivably geek-ass.

Now, all of these things may or not be true. Nonetheless, people just love the hell out this Worlds of Warcraft game. So what's the draw? I've heard that the social aspect is fun, that you team up with your friends and do stuff, that there's a great deal of variety of diversions. Still, though... pretending to be a magical elf-warrior? Come on.

So, I quiz a compatriot of mine on the game last night. His answers were satisfactory. Almost too satisfactory.

So, you don't have to fight anybody?
No, man. I don't player-kill. And you can level up by doing quests. Like "bring me some stuff" kind of things.

What do you do?
I'm a tailor. I make armor, bags, and stuff like that. I sell it to people, or give it away.

Are there sports?
Kind of. There are places where you can join a team of capture-the-flag and stuff like that.

This all sounded fine. A lot better than the "go hunting for beasties, raid their dead bodies for currency, spend that currency on better gear, repeat" formula I expected. As he went into detail of how the various races and classes interact, something caught my fading attention: "...different languages..."

Turns out the different races speak different languages, and if your character doesn't speak them, the text the other users type come out as gibberish. As a language-geek, this raised a mighty eyebrow.

Fortunately, there's no way my machine could run the game. Otherwise, I have a real fear that some night I'd end up drunkenly setting up Atharien, the Enchanter Linguist.

Continuing saga

So, I figured out to do with the old NES -- fix it. Now if I could only find my damn games. Basement? Closet? My brothers? College roommate? I know I've got a light gun and a game genie around somewhere too. I'll keep you posted.

Ah-woooo

Finally stepping to the plate, Greg decided that a comment on the vampire-rules-all post just wasn't enough, and decided to harass me via email. The results follow.


Greg - I just read your little vampire post. Who do you think you're kidding?

Alex - Dude. For the purposes of that post, werewolves turn into regular old wolves. Not jacked-up uberwolfmen. I kid no one!

Greg - For the purposes of that post? You can't just change the rules under that auspice.

Alex - And by your rationale, I should be using the vampire powers laid out in Anne Rice, or even Castlevania. The concept was classic v classic. It's not my fault your precious werewolves suck.

Greg - You did use the vampire powers laid out in castlevania. Specifically, Symphony of the Night.

If we're taking about the lonely count in the castle, then you ought to take the wolfman against him since they're both romantic flavored tales. If we're talking about the very first myths, take Lycaon, but then take the nosferatu skeevy bugger who simply drinks human blood.

If we're talking about legends, well the man-into-wolf is one. The man into ferocious dire-wolf immune to normal weapons is another (loup-garou). The man into 15ft tall hulking, furred, clawed, fanged biped who rides the winds, disappears by turning sideways and hunts with the aid of evil spirits is yet another (wendigo).

Sorry to keep on this. Academically, I just don't think the proper comparisons were made.

Alex - I meant "DARK METAMORPHOSIS!!!" etc.

You know, I agree. Dracula was not the origin of the vampire legend, and thus should not necessarily have counted. Or, if I was going to use the earliest popularization of the legend, I should have used... The Wolfman or something. I'll be sure to post your statements for all to see, Mr, Wikipedia.

Greg - The wikipedia was of no help to me. I went there, but it had nothing that I didn't already know on the subject. I had to search the far corners of the internet to verify my knowledge on those obscure bits!

Touching is good.

I continue to lay the groundwork for my pending purchase of a Nintendo DS. Today, on yet another trip to Target, I showed Her Worshipfulness Nintendogs, complete with cooing "awwwlookatim" noises, and even she could not resist the cuteness. Everything is going according to plan.

Bwa ha ha ha haaaaaa...

Recently played Castlevania: Seemphony Of De Naaayt. Fantastic game in which you are the son of Dracula and some human chick and are trying to keep ol' Vlad from returning to life because you like people. There are four different endings, depending on how you beat the game. I took the time to get the fourth ending, and let me tell you, even having removed any "oh my god this is so frickin cheesy" thoughts from my mind, I was disappointed.

You see, in the third ending, the son of Drac tells his boon companions that he's off to kill himself to end the line of Nosferatu forever. In the fourth, it's the same deal, except that one of the said companions runs off after him, apparently under the impression that her amorous intentions would keep him from driving a stake through his heart.

Are you kidding me? If you're going to go through the effort of making a tale of Gothic horror, don't make the ending be about getting the girl. Where's your head at, Konami?

Poll

OK kids. Here's another B A Start poll!

My old NES is no worky-worky, and I want to do something horribly nerdy with the case. But what? Best I can come up with is a drink-holder, but I'm sure we can do better.

Smartmouth

Started another blog project, a smallish parody of our beloved Elmwood community:

http://buffalodropping.blogspot.com/

Titmouse

Today I engaged in a conversation about old computers, and the Wang came up.

"You think that's bad? I used have to use the Wang. We'd have to go the Wang room. 'Hey, you done in there? I really need the Wang!'"

How the hell am I supposed to keep a straight face? Huh? How?

I'm right, you know.

Just to set things straight one and for all. All things being equal, a vampire could beat a werewolf in a fight with little issue. Vampires can turn into bats, mist, wolves, and who knows what else. They can climb walls and move fast. Werewolves can only turn into wolves. If you go in for this business of werewolves turning into giant jacked-up bipedal killing machines with opposable thumbs, you've fallen prey to the hype. Werewolves turn into wolves and that's it, and only at the full moon.

Vampires could also beat unicorns. Anyone with a decent weapon could beat a unicorn -- that horn is for ornamental purposes only. About the only thing unicorns are good for is appearing to virgins.

A werewolf, on the other hand, might have some trouble besting a unicorn. (Thanks to Sarah for the link. She knows me all too well.) Pit a wolf against a horse sometime -- it would be roughly similar to that.

Doing my part

Today I overheard a coworker saying she bought her age-11 son an electric blue Nintendo DS for his birthday, and that he has many systems already. Being the community-minded citizen I am, I strolled over to her desk to strike up a conversation on the topic. After a few lead-in remarks, I asked if she was familiar with the ESRB rating system, and if she checked the ratings before buying games for her kid. She told me she usually made her judgement on the appropriateness of the title based on the picture on the box front.

Not ten minutes later she had full knowledge of the ESRB's rating system, provided by yours truly. My good deed for the day is done -- my coworker is protected; now armed with good information upon which to base purchasing decisions, as opposed to marketing information or her kid's opinion. The child is protected, and will not be exposed to any non-parent-approved content. And most importantly, the game company is protected. No Grand Theft Auto for that kid, and thus no litigation, keeping our game prices low. It is my sincere hope that she tells all her friends about the ESRB, spreading the good word that they don't have to guess anymore.

Videogame companies often cite the ESRB ratings when faced with accusations of creating mindless, violence-hungry zombies out of America's future generations, as well they should. The information is there for the asking, right on the front and back of every box. Clearly the overarching issues is that parents and loved ones just aren't aware.

I would urge all B A Starters to make an effort to distribute information about the ESRB to parents. It's a valuable tool in the effort to regulate America's childrens' exposure to inappropriate media, a great service to our society. Videogames have cost fifty bucks a pop for a long time now, and mainstream society's steady drive towards class action suits against game developers and distributors must be stopped if we want to keep it that way.

For the sake of our wallets, we must act. Talk to your friends to see what their awareness level is. Hold an ESRB awareness drive in your hometown. Get a float in a local parade. Hand out flyers in front of Target and Walmart (with permission, of course). I have set up a cafepress site, where you can purchase a "Save Our Games" bumper sticker -- show your support! It's up to us to make this work.

Relaxing which is good, bears good centralization

Sorry kids. Haven't had much to say recently, so I'll just send you on your merry way to this site, one of the aforementioned Japanese sites which have crossed my path recently. If my workstation looked like that... well, let's just say it would be awesome. I ran the site through Google's translator, and this is what I got:

"It relaxed supports the computer job of long time with the new work position where the up-to-date work station which Actualizes the ideal attitude which is based on body engineering research the professional model appearance"

See? Awesome.

What beautiful music they make

Dude. This story, while a bummer because this lady got conned, is hilarious. I ask the following questions:

How can vampires impregnate you with the anti-Christ? And how would pills prevent that?

How do you come up with a scheme like this? I mean, I get extortion. I get extorting someone by saying you're a vampire and will drink their blood if you don't get the moolah. I just don't get the aborted demon thing.

What if they really were vampires?

I mean, the title alone...

You may have heard a bit about the 'Hot Coffee' scandal surrounding Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Here's a quick summary -- there's a hidden mode in the game (which one must do some hacking to get to) in which your character has sex and the ESRB has pulled the game to replace it's Mature (17+) rating with an Adults Only rating. Stores are pulling it, and NY senator Hillary Clinton called for a Federal Trade Commission investigation.

I agree that if any medium has X-rated content, it should be for adults only. The fact that the mode is not accessible by people without proper tools makes this whole issue a little gray.

Here's an abbreviated list of things I have done in Grand Theft Auto 3 which are worse than having consensual sex:

• Exceeded the speed limit.
• Ran a stoplight.
• Escaped from a prison transfer vehicle.
• Driven a prostitute to a job.
• Stolen a car.
• Stolen a police car.
• Jacked a car.
• Jacked a police car.
• Jacked an ambulance.
• Jacked a firetruck.
• Jacked an FBI vehicle.
• Jacked a tank.
• Jacked an ice cream truck.
• Engaged in a street race.
• Engaged in a high-speed chase.
• Disposed of a vehicle used for a crime
• Disposed of a vehicle with a dead body in it.
• Located 100 stashes of drugs and exchanged them for weapons.
• Assisted in a bank robbery.
• Assisted in several murders.
• Planned and executed several assassinations.
• Solicited a prostitute, and killed her to get my money back.
• Started a gang war in order to decrease property values.
• Engaged in a drive-by shooting.
• Engaged in a random drive-by shooting.
• Killed police officers, FBI agents, and military personnel who were firing upon me.
• Killed police officers who were not firing upon me.
• Killed non-gang-affiliated civilians in order to attract the attention of law enforcement.
• Killed the emergency personnel who arrived to care for these civilians.
• Killed wantonly and without cause using a large variety of weapons, including but limited to my bare hands, a baseball bat, various guns, various incendiary devices, a flame-thrower, and a tank.
  

Apparently 17-year-olds hacking a program and simulating sex is more deserving of government attention than them simulating any of the acts on the above list.

coldcode

If any of you had any interest in this post, be sure to swing by this site, the Coldplay X&Y Album Art Generator.

This one might drop

Picked up Tiger Woods 2004 this weekend, which has unsurprisingly dominated my life since. Gameplay is pretty much the same as the '03 version, but a big addition was made with character customization. There's the EA Sports Game Face, which ought to be called EA Sports Try To Make Something Look Like You, Get Frustrated And Give Up Face, and a veritable stripmall's-worth of clothes. Now, the clothes serve a purpose in making money via sponsorships, but we all know they're so you can play dress-up. This brings up the age-old issue of the digital avatar. When faced with the requirement to make a character for yourself, what do you do? Make him look like you? Similar to you but cooler? Something funny? Something completely different?

No matter what you do, it's going to be embarrassing, especially when your wife catches you shopping for digital golf duds. You know what she's thinking when that happens? "How is this more interesting than hanging out with me? You'd think he could find the time to... ooh! The salmon one with the stripes! Make me! Make me!"

.co.jp

For someone who doesn't speak it, I've been to an unusually high number of Japanese websites recently.

There's something captivating about a site written in a non-indoeuropean language. I know we all learned in Psych 101 that linguistic differences do not mean a difference in perception -- you know, the fifteen-words-for-snow business -- but I don't buy it. For some time now, I've been under the impression that if I were to learn an Asian language, previously untapped mind potentials would be unlocked and I would transcend wisdom.

For now, I'll stick to reading up on Electroplankton.

Get some R&R?

Today I walked into the restroom to see a coworker standing at a urinal with a Blackberry in one hand and (presumably) his wang in the other. Dude, seriously. Pull yourself together.

Old business

To those of you starved for more content, I apologize. I have now linked to Goose's blog and to The Trials, one o' them moblogs. Enjoy, fellow web wackos.

He'll save every one of us.

I'm not sure which is scarier: this dude's extensive collection of links to flash games or how many of them I had seen before. This is my favorite so far.

You heard it here second

People have been telling me that the Buffalo Airport was closed this morning due to a weird package, and that this package contained Star Wars memorabilia. I'd like to go on the record as stating that it wasn't me.

You know you want to see 'em.

You want to know what an awesome wedding looks like? Click here.

Now, we all know I'm one sour-pussed bastard, but this event warmed even my icy heart, and I am honored and grateful to have been a part of it. This slideshow displays the pictures from my camera which came out best -- both the camera and my scanner are weak, so imagine them all a little better than they are. They show the seamy underbelly of the wedding, the iniquitous domain of college friends and other rapscallions. Oh, and I saw the note-passing, you sly dog.

But sweet for certain

I think I'm finally getting the swing of being in wedding parties. I leave this post as a reminder to my future groomsman selves.

#1 - You don't need to get completely waffled at the rehearsal dinner. Stop doing this.
#2 - One extra handkerchief just isn't enough; consider bringing one for each groomsman. Once the sweating starts, they'll be a commodity.
#3 - Bring food, and lots of it. When people say "the limo is stocked" they don't mean with cookies.
#4 - No red wine, unless you want to be "that purple-stained tux guy".

The opposite of people

Garv posted something that all you would-be writers should check out: the DFILM moviemaker. "In 1999, DFILM launched the MovieMaker, which let users create a short animated cartoon on a website and email it to their friends." From a writer's standpoint, it is extremely limiting, and that's what makes it so intriguing. With a limit of three scenes of four different types, two characters and max six 100-character lines of dialogue per scene, how much story can you get across? The limitations force you to get to the bare bones of your story and work with the absolute basics of theater. As an example, here's Hamlet in three scenes. Not high drama, but a good exercise in composition. Also, the art is all pretty funny.

Raisin Bran and salami

For those of you (by which I mean all of you) B A Starters who don't really do the whole "go to the doctor" thing, take a look at this site. Also known as "stuff to freak out about". This site has got to be at least as dependable as asking med student friends for their medical advice over a beer and a smoke.

See? I care about you and your well-being.

Sing sing sing

In God of War, half the game is getting through a series of trials to prove yourself worthy of receiving the ultimate weapon. From time to time, as you do the impossible again and again, you come across recently deceased warriors who got to a specific point and didn't hit the right switch in time to avoid being skewered (or whatever). How do the gods react to this?



Zeus: Looks like we've got a contender! He made it past the minotaur, figured out the underwater puzzle, survived the spinny blade thing...

Athena: I hope this is the guy. I'm getting tired of putting that rock back on the shoulders of the Atlas statue and rebuilding the stained glass window for every schmuck that makes it past the "endless" desert.

Zeus: Oh, this is the winner. I mean, look at him! You'd think I was his father! As a matter of fact, does he look a little like a swan to you?

Athena: Damn it! He didn't catch that second rope! I told you they were too far apart!

Zeus: Only the one who proves himself worthy can wield...

Athena: Oh, come on! Did you see how fast he figured out the move-the-rocks puzzle? This was the guy, but no... the rope swing has to be at least the length of the mighty Zeus's pinky toe! Only those who can swing the length of the Sky Father's pinky toe deserve the blessing of the gods!

Zeus: Watch it, Athy...

Athena: Or you're going to do what? Chain me to a rock and have a gecko nibble my appendix out for eternity? Who's going to help you outwit that shrewish wife of yours while I'm being punished? Huh? Who? You going to have Hephaestos build a Robo-Zeus to sit in the throne while you're chasing the mortal skirts? Think you can distract Apollo from harassing nymphs long enough to help you? Huh? Do ya?

Zeus: I'll take your owl away.

Athena: Sure you will, tough guy. Sure you will. I'm going to go see if anyone sacrificed anything worth eating. Let me know if anyone passes your test -- I'll be holding my breath.

Daily Show Host Rumored Dead

From the B A Start News Desk -- An area man displayed signs of shock and awe last night upon hearing that Jon Stewart, host of the popular parody news program The Daily Show, was dead. The events transpired at a downtown bar and restaurant at the back table. A local businessman told a joke about movie star Tom Cruise in a P-51 Mustang, a World-War-II-era fighter plane, shooting at cinema legend Jimmy Stewart, and then corrected himself when he was reminded that Stewart is no longer living. Parts of this tall tale was overheard by a friend, who expressed extreme concern and surprise at the death of Jon Stewart. Once the misunderstanding was resolved, drinking continued unabated.

Arf!

When the rest of the world is fixated on actual major, important, and awesome events in real life, you can count on B A Start to bring you back down to fantasy.

Saw a few mentions in a magazine about Okami, an upcoming PS2 title. I'm a sucker for any videogame where the visual style is new, and with its whole looks-like-a-silkscreen-painting thing, this game certainly meets that criteria. No idea how running around as a wolf will work out, but I'll let you know.

Now, you could go to the usual suspects for screenshots, movies, et cetera, but why would you when you can go right to the developer's website? Sure it's in Japanese -- that just makes it cooler!

Zap

Not four hours after Sarah points out this story to me, I run across this one. There's only one logical explanation: The Playstation 2 attracts lightning bolts.